T-1 Day to Tummy Tuck

Tummy tuck recuperation danced its way through my dreams ALL last night and apparently I am going to be able to stand up to my full height immediately after my operation and will be able to pull the waist of my jeans out approximately 6-8 inches saying "Hey check this out!" Better that sort of dream than... well, a bad operation dream.

Surprisingly, this was my first night of interrupted sleep - I thought my nerves would have kicked in much sooner. Surgery tomorrow is scheduled in Toronto at 8:00 a.m. We need to check in no later than 7:30 a.m. To ensure that we arrive on time that means we'll be getting up at around 5:30 a.m. Our daughter is staying over at a neighbour's house tonight so that we don't have to thrust her on someone's doorstep before the crack of dawn. She will also be crashing after school at another friend's house in case we don't arrive back before the end of the school day.

I anticipate a slight hiccup to my day tomorrow. Looking at the calendar and given the pseudo-regularity of my cycle, I have a sneaky suspicion that when I wake up I'll be having my period. Usually this thing only happens when I'm going on vacation, but perhaps the powers that be, knowing that I'm going to be watching tv series, movies, reading and reclining in bed the next 7-10 days, think this will be a vacation for me. I have some tv series on DVD all ready to go, our entire DVD collection has been saved to our media player and I have all four books in the Twilight series ready to re-read. (Book Club will be at my house six days after my surgery and there was no way I was going to try to read meaningful literature before then. Feeding my inner 17 year-old seemed like a good idea for this month's club. After this month's book club I can read The Rent Tent and The Book of Negroes, but until then I'm going to enjoy my guilty pleasure.)

Slight panic has set in. I vascillate between my mother's innate optimism and my father's innate pessimism. Therefore I am half-expecting to arrive in the operating room and have the surgeon say that because of... (insert ridiculous excuse here) that they will be unable to perform the surgery. I have already had to postpone this surgery 0nce. I was supposed to have it last May, but had some wonky thyroid antibody results that needed to be checked out first. Went to an endochrinologist and made sure that elective surgery wouldn't be a problem before re-booking. I'm one of those hyper-honest people, so when I was filling out my medical form for the anaesthesiologist I put my high thyroid antibodies on it, I put my occasional sleep apnea, I admitted to my migraines - I'm anticipating that the door to the OR will be be barred, the surgical staff will apologetically shake their heads at me and I'll be sent home.

My Mom will be arriving next Monday to take care of me during the day. This of course means that I'm freaking a bit about making sure the house is spotless before she gets here. Guest room, bathrooms were cleaned yesterday, I'm making a run to the local thrift shop with bags of clothes, linens and old winter boots and I may even attempt to wash the kitchen floor. I'll leave the vacuuming to my husband and daughter as our long-haired cat will still be depositing fur between now and Monday.

I'm suffering from fall allergies and there's a part of me that worries that they might not be allergies and they are in fact a cold and I won't be able to have the surgery tomorrow. Full-on pessimism and panic has taken root in my DNA it appears. I removed my toe nail polish yesterday in case the surgical staff needs to... test my circulation? I don't think toe nail polish is a big deal and I don't wear finger nail polish, but I'm a rule follower and that was on the list of stuff to do, so I did it.

As I've been looking at "before and after" pictures over the past four years, sometimes I can completely understand why a particular person wanted a tummy tuck and sometimes I am completely mistified. Some of the "befores" look just fine to me. This woman on a plastic surgery show when from a size 2 to a size 0. I don't think that I was ever a size 0. Not even in the womb. I worry that people will think the same about me. My husband has never shuddered in revultion looking upon my jiggly, cottage-cheesy flesh and I wish, I truly wish that I could look at myself with the same eyes that he has. But I can't. My elephant ear stomach grosses me out. My daughter loves my "squooshy" tummy and is worried that she won't be able to hug me anymore - that I won't be as soft to snuggle with.

Having a nine year-old daughter makes me VERY aware of my own body image. I talk about being healthy and strong and fit - I deliberately do not use words like skinny or fat. I don't want to pass down all my own physical insecurities to her. I tell her that I'm doing this to make me stronger, to take away the extra skin - will that be enough, or will this surgery have ramifications down the line for her?

Later today we are picking up a hospital bedside table to use in our bedroom so that I can have my laptop, books, food whatever within arm's reach. I had wanted to rent a walker as well, but my husband nixed that, saying that if I'm not strong enough to be walking around the block without it, I shouldn't be walking around the block - he really worries that I'm going to try to overdo it. We'll see how this weekend goes and maybe next week I can get a walker... The anticipation of NOT being able to walk when I do so much of it, sends me into minor anxiety attacks. I don't just walk to stay in shape, I walk so that I sleep well at night. When I don't exercise, I don't sleep well. Plus, having had a bout with depression in my early 20s, I worry that without exercise I might slip back into it - more fears.

However, if I can channel my dear friend Shannon who took great bites out of life and lived full of joy and optimism... I am going to be stronger after this operation. I am going to have a flatter stomach. I am going to recover swiftly and with minimal pain. My daughter will still be able to hug me. I'm going to be able to look at my naked body in the mirror, be pleased with what I see and say "Thank you Gran!"