8 Days Post Op

Last night I hit the wall. Lying in bed, trying to get comfortable, having taken my 2 extra-strength Advil and 2 extra-strength Tylenol and Arnica pellets and 2 Valerian and having had David rearrange my wedge pillows twice and the 4 pillows under my legs three times, I could not settle. My lower back was killing me. "What if we try one wedge pillow with a skinny pillow on top?" I reached for David's hand frantically under the covers and he said off-handedly "Boy, you're needy tonight." Upon which, I burst into tears.

"I know! I know that I am!"

"No! Sweetie - NO - it's okay I was just joking!"

"No it's the truth... It's okay to say the truth..."

"Love, no, it's okay I didn't mean it!"

"I AM needy. I am a needy, vain, self-involved, crazy woman who just spent $6600 to mutilate my own body!"

"No honey. It's okay. You're tired and you're in pain and..."

"But I did this to myself! What kind of person does this to herself? What if I can't ever stand up straight again? What if my new belly button is deformed? My back is killing me and my ass is tingly and sore and not in a good way!"

Then he brought me some liqueur and I calmed down.

I'm kind of surprised that this outburst took this long to happen. I mean, I had my period last week - I should have had one of these blowouts long before now. Maybe having OD'd on Grey's Anatomy I was getting in my release of tension through daily weeping as it related to finding out which characters they were killing off.

And of course it's taking me longer to get to sleep. I'm not completely stoned on codeine any longer. I haven't been getting any exercise or fresh air really. I'm that person who really needs to have a half hour walk every day to expend energy and the farthest that I'd gotten was to the stop sign on my street. (Yesterday made it to the stop sign YAY!) 5 minutes of fresh air isn't going to cut it with me.

We took off the binder completely last night to check out the dressings underneath as the nurse from the surgeon's office suggested. Some of them had been torn and there were lots of bits of dried blackened blood ("Is it supposed to dry looking like sludge?") when we peeked under. David cut off some of the tape that was doing nothing but pull my skin and re-taped me and then rearranged my drain and wrapped me in the binder again a little bit tighter - which feels better actually. My lower abdomen is swollen - it kind of looks like I'm retaining water, but with all the dressings across the hip line and the belly button region I can't really tell what anything looks like. And my theory about not being able to stand up straight because of the tape? I was wrong. They cut away approximately 6 inches of my skin - I can't stand up straight because I'm missing that 6 inches of skin.

I called the nurse yesterday to check in and she seemed pretty pleased with the low amount of fluid in my drain. Said that I could come into the hospital before my appointment next Tuesday and have the drain removed if I wanted. But I'm not going to make another special trip into Toronto just for the sake of the drain. The nurse assured me that it won't hurt me to leave it in for 12 days as opposed to 8 so I'll avoid the drive and make do. She told me that I can now take pills only when I feel I need them and that I didn't have to be woken in the night every four hours. So last night, when I finally did get to sleep was wonderful. I had a full 7 hours and it was lovely.

This morning while Mom was doing the Wii Fit (she was disappointed today - she was only 12 years younger than her actual age), Rissa and I went for a walk around the block. And I'm feeling okay. I think maybe I'll try to do that at least one more time today and maybe that can help my sleep tonight.

I'm not overly emotional this morning. Mom leaves after lunch today and I'll miss her, but I've got David and Rissa to take care of me over the weekend and I know that I'll improve daily. Tears shouldn't be unexpected. I'm under stress and I am still in discomfort that can morph into fairly hefty pain. We were watching a bit of Steven Wright last night and it didn't hurt as much to laugh - so that's a great sign. To stave off sneezes I am wetting my fingers in my water glass and sticking them up my nose - I don't know if it actually stops the sneezing or merely distracts me enough so that I forget to do it, but it's working at this point. I gargle when I feel a cough coming on. I have my coping strategies.

I continue to be thankful for the support and love of my friends and family. One of my Mothers-in-Law sent me a lovely card and necklace yesterday - Thanks so much Mer! I'm planning on sending thank you notes to the nurses and anaesthesiologist today. I'm not sending a thank you to the surgeon until I stop hurting - I mean COME ON! Maybe when I stand up straight, but right now, if I'm being honest... I'm not particularly thankful to her -to send her a note saying I was would be dishonest. And that I ain't.

Cheers!
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